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Dear Parents,

If there has ever been a more resounding request from the teenagers and adolescents I’ve worked with it’s “I wish my parents would just listen.” And I sit and listen to their fears, concerns, questions, worries, stories, humor and all the other stuff. And then I go home to my own teenagers…and I understand the struggle.

When we have those babies, we want nothing more than to keep them safe, have them avoid mistakes, pain and all the other awful stuff life can have happen. The inherit problem with this is it’s totally unrealistic. Nevertheless, we interrupt, question, criticize, attempt to fix when they just want to be heard. This requires us to go against our nature and keep our mouths shut. I think sometimes we take the things our kids say personally, but if your teenager wants to talk to you, don’t make it about you.

Tips for talking (and listening) to your teenager.

• Set the expectation ahead of time for the goal of the conversation. Is this is a listening session or problem solving conversation?
• Avoid being defensive. Listen to understand where they are coming from; don’t try to make them understand you.
• Respect their differences. The world they are growing up in is different than the world you grew up in. If they have different opinions, that’s ok.
• Show you’re interested in them. Ask questions, put away distractions, have good eye contact, be aware of your body language.
• You’re the adult, so you set the tone. If they become elevated, you matching them is only going to continue to elevate. Share your calm, rather than joining in their chaos.
• Avoid judgment. Teenagers are idealistic, and spontaneous and impulsive. Foster their creativity and spunk rather than tear them down.
• Remember back to what it was like when you were a teenager. How did your parents respond to the things you did or said and what did you think about it? What would you have wanted.

If you want your teenager to talk to you about the big stuff, then you have to able to talk to them about the little stuff. That means the weird shows they watch, the latest TikTok dance or trend, or the band with the weird name whose music you secretly like too.

And most importantly (in my opinion) don’t punish them for honesty. If they’re telling you crazy stuff that you had no idea about and you become punitive, they will not share in the future. And why should they…honesty got them in trouble. Now, that doesn’t have to mean you don’t have expectations or boundaries, but when your kid is being honest about sex, drugs, grades, alcohol or any of the other scary things that they can get into, this is an opportunity to share your values and expectations. If you decide to ground them for life when they tell you they tried something, they won’t tell you anything. Instead, approach it with curiosity. ‘What made you do that?’ ‘What did you think?’ ‘I personally would prefer you not.’ ‘How can I help you?’ ‘Do you have questions for me?’

Teenagers are fickle creatures who are going through a lot. I don’t know many of us adults who would want to be teenagers again. One day they may not want to talk to you and the next you may be the greatest person in their life…and on the third day they might hate you. Don’t take it personally. Be there for them, remind them you love them, encourage them and hold them accountable. This is a marathon, not a sprint and frankly if you’ve got a teenager, you’re pretty close to the finish line, so enjoy what bit of the race you have left.