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I get asked this question a lot along with, “how do I stop feeling this way?” and “how can I get over this?” The thing about feelings is we can’t avoid them and we can’t drink, drug, sex, workout, gamble, shop or medicate them away. Once all the fun is over, we still feel how we feel. A more important question is “Why?”

First, let’s understand something about emotions. They’re built in. I have a one year old…when she eats something she doesn’t like, she doesn’t have to think to herself ‘this is terrible.’ She just makes a face and spits it out. Disgust…it’s built into our DNA. When my hamster died when I was 5, I sat on my bed and cried with my mom. I was sad. Sadness indicates loss, whether through death, relationship, objects, anything. It’s built in. My hamster died, so I cried. Nobody had to tell me how to feel. Fear is one that often comes masked as something else. Often times we hide our fear with anger. Think about a scared kitten that has just been cornered. It’s hissing and spitting and ready to slice your arm off with its tiny claws. By all accounts, we would think this animal is angry, but in reality it’s scared and looking for a way out. That kitten isn’t thinking and assessing the situation and deciding it’s scared. The emotion of fear has taken over its body and it’s ready to protect itself. Anger is another one that causes us to assert ourselves. Back to my one year old…when she can’t figure out a toy, she throws it, or she yells, or she throws herself on the floor in protest to whatever has frustrated her. She’s not thinking about it though, she doesn’t have the language to have the thoughts. She just feels what she feels. Happiness or joy is the one everyone wants more of. We like that one, it feels good. So we do things that will create more of this feeling, which isn’t bad, unless we’re pushing everything else down.

So back to how can I not feel this way anymore? The short answer is you can’t. It’s built into your biology and you’ve had a life full of experiences that perhaps cultivated some of those feelings more than others. A better question might be how can I have a healthy relationship with my feelings? There’s a couple of things you can do.

1. Name the feeling. Understand what you feel.
2. Don’t be harsh with yourself for feeling the way you do. You can’t control how or when it comes. All you can control is your response to it. Be kind to yourself about the feeling.
3. Let yourself feel. This may mean sitting alone in your car, or hitting a punching a bag, or crying, or talking to someone. It’s ok to sit with your feelings, just don’t live there permanently.
4. Remember, your feelings can’t hurt you. Seriously…I know they feel uncomfortable, but just like physical pain, the pain from your emotions will dull with a little time.